Gratitude & the Christmas Spirit While Your Life is Falling Apart.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, separation SUCKS. 

No longer being with, parenting with, and depending on your best friend SUCKS. 

Being an unplanned single mom of 3 kids 5 and under? SUCKS.

Lately, I have been in a negative, unChristmasy headspace. First holidays during divorces are really hard. All the bitterness from previous celebrations plus hurt that your family isn't together this year - it's a tough time. Especially when visitation isn't settled out, the kids sense the uncertainty, it's just a very hollow feeling holiday season this year.

Today, I finally was able to somewhat see through the fog about it. See, every time something doesn't go exactly as planned, I start to beat myself up, blame myself and also become very resentful towards my ex not being around to help make things easier. It sends me into this tailspin where I can feel the tension and unhealthy thought patterns, but the thing about grief and/or mental illness - knowing it's irrational isn't enough to simply stop feeling that way.

So. I'm finishing up my Christmas shopping. I'm overheating just getting onto the bus. I have the single stroller plus all my purchases plus a wagon with the big kids. I miss the bus to Walmart to print out holiday cards. I decide to walk. On this walk, I feel a little better. I'm planning how to wrap all the gifts, seeing if I'm missing anyone, it all feels great. There is a brief shock when I see a work truck like my ex drives go past, but I talk myself down and not let it bother my good mood.

As I walk through the Walmart parkinglot, I notice a man with his grocery cart, all bundled up on the sidewalk with all of his worldly possessions. Earlier this year, I witnessed police securing a scene where a homeless man died, just a block over. I also am very passionate about random acts of kindness, but in being in survival mode myself the last 3 months, I haven't planned much lately.

I call out to this man, good evening, can I get you anything while I'm in there? He is humble but accepts, anything he can use.

I grab what I need, plus a shaving kit (with socks), a toothbrush, toothpaste, protein bars, a large bottle of water, and a candy cane full of Skittles. I run this bag out to the man, who I introduce myself to and he says his name is James. I make sure he can eat what I've bought, and he is excited about the shaving kit. He offers a wicker basket on my way out, I don't need anything back from him, but we wish each other happy holidays.

Inside, a friend has shown up to take my purchases up to my house, I can't take them on the bus and no one can transport the kids without carseats. I divvy up what I need on me and what can go to the house, I briefly worry about forgetting my wallet - meaning I wouldn't be able to pay for the photos or the bus home - but it's in my purse. We part ways and I go about securing the kids, waiting in line for the photo kiosks.

It's then I realize I cannot find my phone. Quick search - nothing. We rush out to the parkinglot but it's full and dark. Ask to use the service desks phone, no answer on mine and I can't remember my friend's number. Crap.

Kicking myself, I begrudgingly leave, having now walked here for nothing. We sit at the bus stop, unsure of the time OR when the next bus shows, but hopefully it's soon. While corralling 3 kids, I think to myself a chorus of "Stupid, stupid, fuck. How could I forget my phone in one of the bags?! Now this trip was for nothing. Crap. Now I will need a whole separate trip here again..." It doesn't help my mood, it makes me snappy and near tears. I miss being able to call my husband in silly situations like this. I miss having help in the evenings and weekends so I didn't have to shuttle stuff around and forget important items. I miss my not-miserable life. I now wasted the walk today, and had I not come here, I wouldn't have spent that $30 on that man out front...

Wait.

Had I not planned to come here for the photos, I wouldn't have met James. I wouldn't have given him a shaving kit he was really excited about. I wouldn't have gotten all that fresh air on the walk.

I really struggle with fate/God/karma, heck I've gotten more than my share of bad experiences, it just doesn't seem likely that someone is looking out for me out here. But, maybe I was meant to help out James today. Maybe I forgot my phone in one of the bags because the kiosk wasn't going to work (like last week) and I would have wasted another frustrating hour with bored kids trying to get it to go through. Maybe I would have missed the latest bus and had to walk back the way I came to get home. Maybe there is a larger plan for me and instead of being bitter in the details, I should be grateful for what was in my path today.

I watched a lovely video of a mama grieving the one year birthday of her stillborn son today, how lucky am I to have all my kids earthside to corral right now. I walked past some flowers and a cross on the highway where I think multiple people were hit by a car, how lucky I am to be able to send my best wishes to that memorial on my way past. I certainly had my hands full today, but I don't carry all my worldly possessions on my person at all times, winter as a homeless person in Canada is about the most bitter and scary thing I could imagine for my life.

Anyway, these reasonings helped flip my focus from self hatred and bitterness towards my life circumstances, to being grateful that my buses came pretty quickly and I got 99% of my stuff done today. I even found out a closer place to print photos next time - maybe there will be a reason I am called there, then, as well.

Well, I am about as bah-humbug as I could be this year, but today warmed my heart a little. That is the spirit of the season, after all.

- Joei