It's Not Motherhood, It's Me
Sometimes, as moms, we just want to be perfect. Have the perfect routine, the perfect house, the perfect attitude with your children 100% of the time, have it all together and never be fazed by hard times. Sometimes we try really, really hard to do it all, and not let anyone into the little bubble of our daily struggles because that would be like admitting that you can't handle it, see, everyone was right, you bit off more than you can chew.
Sometimes this pride makes it hard to admit and receive help when a real problem comes up. Really hard.
And then there is that word. The scary phrase that we see attached to heartbreaking headlines, that bring to mind images of shaken babies and moms that make irreversible decisions. The one that can't happen to ME, I'm okay, I can handle it.
Postpartum Depression.
It brings it's own unique concerns to young moms: Will CPS/MCFD (Ministry of Children and Families, Canada's version of CPS) be called if I talk to my doctor about this? What about if I seek counselling? Who will watch my kids if I need to go to appointments? How will I get there? Is even questioning this proof that I was "too young for kids", that I can't handle it like everyone said? Does this make me a bad mom?
It also carries deeper concerns. Does this mean I don't love being a mom? Is this the stress of kids, or is it my own mental health being triggered by the normal everyday stress? Is this proof that I need more "Me time" the way everyone seems to understand "Me time"- drinking, partying, "Living the teen years I didn't get to experience" because I was at home with a baby? Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have - a home, a partner, a healthy baby, financial security, food in the cupboards?
It's not Motherhood, It's Me.
Depression can be brought on by situational stressors, but I think at least for me, I know it is a chemical problem that I have always carried with me.
As a child/teen, I was always in counselling, I knew I had anxiety and depression, a lot from my circumstances but also just how my brain was wired. It runs in my family, it is a part of my blood, it is how my brain reactions to and absorbs serotonin, it is a chemical imbalance.
Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes it doesn't. Does that make me not suitable as a mom? Does it make me unstable or dangerous to my sweet babies, who deserve a mom that isn't puffy-eyed and numb from crying?
I love being a mom, and not in the way like "I love being a mom, but I can't wait to have my body/bed/time back", but like a I wholeheartedly, sincerely love devoting my entire being to being a mom.
Sometimes this pride makes it hard to admit and receive help when a real problem comes up. Really hard.
And then there is that word. The scary phrase that we see attached to heartbreaking headlines, that bring to mind images of shaken babies and moms that make irreversible decisions. The one that can't happen to ME, I'm okay, I can handle it.
Postpartum Depression.
It brings it's own unique concerns to young moms: Will CPS/MCFD (Ministry of Children and Families, Canada's version of CPS) be called if I talk to my doctor about this? What about if I seek counselling? Who will watch my kids if I need to go to appointments? How will I get there? Is even questioning this proof that I was "too young for kids", that I can't handle it like everyone said? Does this make me a bad mom?
It also carries deeper concerns. Does this mean I don't love being a mom? Is this the stress of kids, or is it my own mental health being triggered by the normal everyday stress? Is this proof that I need more "Me time" the way everyone seems to understand "Me time"- drinking, partying, "Living the teen years I didn't get to experience" because I was at home with a baby? Am I ungrateful for the blessings I do have - a home, a partner, a healthy baby, financial security, food in the cupboards?
It's not Motherhood, It's Me.
Depression can be brought on by situational stressors, but I think at least for me, I know it is a chemical problem that I have always carried with me.
As a child/teen, I was always in counselling, I knew I had anxiety and depression, a lot from my circumstances but also just how my brain was wired. It runs in my family, it is a part of my blood, it is how my brain reactions to and absorbs serotonin, it is a chemical imbalance.
Sometimes that makes me feel better, sometimes it doesn't. Does that make me not suitable as a mom? Does it make me unstable or dangerous to my sweet babies, who deserve a mom that isn't puffy-eyed and numb from crying?
I love being a mom, and not in the way like "I love being a mom, but I can't wait to have my body/bed/time back", but like a I wholeheartedly, sincerely love devoting my entire being to being a mom.
- I reveled in my pregnancy, every ache and pain was one I never wanted to forget the feeling of, it was confirmation that I was a part of something bigger than myself - I was creating life.
- I enjoyed the newborn days - yes, the every 2 hour wake ups, the nursing night and day, the constant having a little body pressed against mine that made the world seem to make sense. I didn't even mind the poop and spit up, I even looked forward to the changes (thank you cloth diapers).
- I celebrated every milestone with photos, video, Facebook posts and journal entries, there wasn't a person in my world that didn't know what was going on with my babies every second of every day - I was so proud of their achievements and I didn't look at their skills as them growing up, away from me but as reaffirmation that I was doing everything right as a parent, that I was giving them everything they needed.
- I even felt successful as a mom of 2 under 2 at 20 years old, when people saw me in public with my two kids I knew they were looking at a good mom, they were impressed by my ability to care for them both while still growing up myself and they saw my motivation to give my children everything, with every decision I made. I even was working towards 2 doula certifications, while staying home with my babies and making content for my Youtube channel - I was doing everything at once, and I loved it!
So when I felt this slow decline at 3 months postpartum with my daughter, it was just a blip on my radar - more sun, more fresh air, more good food, more nightly baths, more "me time" (reading & editing my Youtube videos) and I was back ontop of my Mommy-ing Game.
In my doula courses, I learned that they extended the diagnoses of Postpartum Depression can happen anytime in the first 2 years following birth, some even say the first 3 years.
When I read that, I knew to meet all mothers where they are, but I had to think that it was impossibly rare - by a year with my son I had a routine, I was flying high, I was planning another baby - who needs help that far into their Mothering journey? I would hope they have coping mechanisms and support in place long before then, and besides, the hormone component would be fully recovered and back to normal by then - that can't be common to have PPD so far out.
So this fall hit me like a ton of bricks - bricks I didn't really believe existed.
Nothing triggered it, there was no stress this time beyond normal developmental behaviours that I should know how to deal with by now. There were no relationship issues or negative experiences from my past brought to light, there was no blinking sign that said "HEY, YOU SHOULD BE UPSET NOW", there was just.... a steadily growing, nagging concern that something wasn't normal.
I shook it off - it's a tough faze, just over 1, with the sleep regressions and separation anxiety. It's a tough age, Threenagers with their attitudes and their testing of boundaries. It's a gloomy time of year, with the weather changes, the lack of sun, the biting cold that makes you want to burrow in your blankets a little longer each morning. Maybe it's new hormones, we were kind of hoping for a new baby, maybe I was pregnant - but each week brought another negative test, and I was still more moody and down than ever.
I'm 15 months postpartum now.
And every day seems harder. Not that I don't want to play with my kids, but I feel like I can't. Not that I don't want to give them healthier foods than goldfish and fruit and cheese, but the entire time I am standing, I am questioning every move and every decision to the point that cooking seems like an impossible task.
And not that I want to be impatient, but my body is screaming "Just leave me to stew, I need the quiet, I can't hardly function on my own, what do you need now?!"
I'm trying.
I'm doing all of the right things - taking more time for self care, talking to my husband and a few close friends about my emotions, trying to eat healthy, get outside more, do more activities with the kids to keep my mind busy. But it is not what I am doing that is wrong.
I don't need to go drink, I need time to find myself.
Not in a wine-and-bathbomb-because-I-deserve-it way, in a I-need-someone-to-help-me-sort-out-these-feelings-of-guilt-and-shame way.
I don't need time away from my kids, I need my body to feel normal so I can enjoy time with them again.
I don't need to buckle down and clean my house, put my hair up, do my make up and handle it, I need to ask & accept help, no matter how embarrassing and demeaning I perceive it to be.
I don't need to suck it up and get over it, all moms have it rough (most rougher than you! Don't you feel selfish? Lazy? Ungrateful? Disgusting? Whiny? Broken?), I need to reach out.
So here I am, putting it all out there.
And I am terrified. Terrified that all of the things I wrote here are true, that I am messed up and incapable of a normal life and that people will judge me. Terrified that other mothers see me as that thing we don't talk about, look she can't even handle her two kids, that will never be ME, and terrified that it makes me an easy suspect for MCFD to come analyze my messy house, my loving but wild children, my marriage, my husband's income, our eating habits, our lifestyle, my fitness as a mother.
But here I am. I reached out for help today, did you? I realized that this is not normal, and that for all of us, the best thing I can do is be honest, not try my best to suppress my hurt for the sake of saving face.
I don't know what I need to feel "normal" again. Maybe I need some medication to stabilize my hormones. Maybe I need some therapy time just to feel human again, to feel validated and learn some new coping techniques that will help me combat this feeling when it creeps up, before it spirals out of control.
But I know it was right to ask.
I know I am not alone, that roughly 20% - that is 1 in 5 - of mothers experience some form of postpartum mood disorders (and up to 80% at least experience the Baby Blues, which is normally much more short lived), and that number is higher in lower income (hey, we're doing okay but we aren't millionaires, okay? We're a family of 4 on a single, high-school graduate level income, we're thrifty and good with money but let's not pretend it's easy) areas.
I know that there are resources, and women - people - willing to help. That this is a recognized, real part of parenthood, for a lot of people, that I am not broken but human. That I am not ungrateful, but struggling. That I am not selfish, but worth the investment in myself, to be better for my family.
Here are some resources for postpartum depression, which ones can you utilize today?http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ppd-support-groups-in-the-u-s-canada
In my doula courses, I learned that they extended the diagnoses of Postpartum Depression can happen anytime in the first 2 years following birth, some even say the first 3 years.
When I read that, I knew to meet all mothers where they are, but I had to think that it was impossibly rare - by a year with my son I had a routine, I was flying high, I was planning another baby - who needs help that far into their Mothering journey? I would hope they have coping mechanisms and support in place long before then, and besides, the hormone component would be fully recovered and back to normal by then - that can't be common to have PPD so far out.
So this fall hit me like a ton of bricks - bricks I didn't really believe existed.
Nothing triggered it, there was no stress this time beyond normal developmental behaviours that I should know how to deal with by now. There were no relationship issues or negative experiences from my past brought to light, there was no blinking sign that said "HEY, YOU SHOULD BE UPSET NOW", there was just.... a steadily growing, nagging concern that something wasn't normal.
I shook it off - it's a tough faze, just over 1, with the sleep regressions and separation anxiety. It's a tough age, Threenagers with their attitudes and their testing of boundaries. It's a gloomy time of year, with the weather changes, the lack of sun, the biting cold that makes you want to burrow in your blankets a little longer each morning. Maybe it's new hormones, we were kind of hoping for a new baby, maybe I was pregnant - but each week brought another negative test, and I was still more moody and down than ever.
I'm 15 months postpartum now.
And every day seems harder. Not that I don't want to play with my kids, but I feel like I can't. Not that I don't want to give them healthier foods than goldfish and fruit and cheese, but the entire time I am standing, I am questioning every move and every decision to the point that cooking seems like an impossible task.
And not that I want to be impatient, but my body is screaming "Just leave me to stew, I need the quiet, I can't hardly function on my own, what do you need now?!"
I'm trying.
I'm doing all of the right things - taking more time for self care, talking to my husband and a few close friends about my emotions, trying to eat healthy, get outside more, do more activities with the kids to keep my mind busy. But it is not what I am doing that is wrong.
I don't need to go drink, I need time to find myself.
Not in a wine-and-bathbomb-because-I-deserve-it way, in a I-need-someone-to-help-me-sort-out-these-feelings-of-guilt-and-shame way.
I don't need time away from my kids, I need my body to feel normal so I can enjoy time with them again.
I don't need to buckle down and clean my house, put my hair up, do my make up and handle it, I need to ask & accept help, no matter how embarrassing and demeaning I perceive it to be.
I don't need to suck it up and get over it, all moms have it rough (most rougher than you! Don't you feel selfish? Lazy? Ungrateful? Disgusting? Whiny? Broken?), I need to reach out.
So here I am, putting it all out there.
And I am terrified. Terrified that all of the things I wrote here are true, that I am messed up and incapable of a normal life and that people will judge me. Terrified that other mothers see me as that thing we don't talk about, look she can't even handle her two kids, that will never be ME, and terrified that it makes me an easy suspect for MCFD to come analyze my messy house, my loving but wild children, my marriage, my husband's income, our eating habits, our lifestyle, my fitness as a mother.
But here I am. I reached out for help today, did you? I realized that this is not normal, and that for all of us, the best thing I can do is be honest, not try my best to suppress my hurt for the sake of saving face.
I don't know what I need to feel "normal" again. Maybe I need some medication to stabilize my hormones. Maybe I need some therapy time just to feel human again, to feel validated and learn some new coping techniques that will help me combat this feeling when it creeps up, before it spirals out of control.
But I know it was right to ask.
I know I am not alone, that roughly 20% - that is 1 in 5 - of mothers experience some form of postpartum mood disorders (and up to 80% at least experience the Baby Blues, which is normally much more short lived), and that number is higher in lower income (hey, we're doing okay but we aren't millionaires, okay? We're a family of 4 on a single, high-school graduate level income, we're thrifty and good with money but let's not pretend it's easy) areas.
I know that there are resources, and women - people - willing to help. That this is a recognized, real part of parenthood, for a lot of people, that I am not broken but human. That I am not ungrateful, but struggling. That I am not selfish, but worth the investment in myself, to be better for my family.
Here are some resources for postpartum depression, which ones can you utilize today?http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ppd-support-groups-in-the-u-s-canada
Pacific Postpartum Support Society : 604-255-7999 Toll-Free 855-255-7999 http://postpartum.org/
Postpartum Support International : 1.800.944.4773 http://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/united-states/
National Suicide Prevention Line : 1-800-273-TALK.
http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/postpartum-depression
https://reproductivementalhealth.ca/
Postpartum Support International : 1.800.944.4773 http://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/united-states/
National Suicide Prevention Line : 1-800-273-TALK.
http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/postpartum-depression
https://reproductivementalhealth.ca/
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